hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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