In America we eat man semen.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
