Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
