I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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