**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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