Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize