I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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