when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
