Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
