I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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