Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
