When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You made out with two different species that night
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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