**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Randomize
