oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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