I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
