a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
