When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
