my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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