The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
