toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
