I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize