break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i dont even know how to be here
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
