I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
