I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
