Did I show you my penis last night?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
