that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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