the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
whose parrot is this?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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