Who wears a wallet chain?!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
