i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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