The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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