hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
