So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
