o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
