So drunk its hurt
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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