If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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