and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
