Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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