wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
