your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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