wanna go halves on a baby?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
