she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
