we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
