Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize