sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize