Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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