I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
