I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
