I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
