IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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