Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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