textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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