I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
