Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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