i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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