I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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