I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
