You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
