I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
