i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
