if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
